I live in the land of Disney, Hollywood. You may think people in such an attractive and exciting, fun-filled place are happier than others. If so, you have some mistaken ideas about the nature of happiness.

    Many intelligent people still consider happiness equal to fun. The truth is that fun and happiness have little or nothing in common. Fun is what we experience during an act. Happiness is what we experience after an act. It is a deeper, more lasting emotion.

    Going to an amusement park or ball game, watching a movie or television, are fun activities that help us relax, temporarily forget our problems and maybe even laugh. But they do not bring happiness, because their positive effects end when the fun ends.

    I have often thought that if Hollywood stars have a role to play, it is to teach us that happiness has nothing to do with fun. These rich, beautiful people have constant access to glamorous parties, fancy cars, expensive homes, everything that brings “happiness”. But in memoir after memoir, famous people expose the unhappiness hidden beneath all their fun — depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, broken marriages, troubled children and extreme loneliness.

    Ask an unmarried man why he refuses to get married even though he finds dating to be less and less satisfying. If he's honest, he will tell you that he is afraid of making a commitment. For commitment is in fact quite painful. The single life is filled with fun, adventure and excitement. Marriage has such moments, but they are not its most distinguishing features.

    Similarly, couples that choose not to have children are deciding in favor of painless fun over painful happiness. They can dine out whenever they want and sleep as late as they want. Couples with babies are lucky to get a whole night's sleep or a three-day vacation. I don't know any parent who would choose the word fun to describe raising children.

    The way people stick to the belief that a fun-filled, pain-free life equals happiness actually reduces their chances of ever achieving real happiness. If fun and pleasure are equal to happiness, then pain must be equal to unhappiness. As a result, they fear the pain unavoidably brought by such things as marriage, raising children, professional achievement, religious commitment and self-improvement.

    But, in fact, the opposite is true. More times than not, things that lead to happiness involve some pain. The very efforts are the source of true happiness. Understanding and accepting that true happiness has nothing to do with fun is one of the most liberating realizations we can ever come to.

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    Parents often believe that they have a good relationship with their teenagers. But last summer, Joanna and Henry noticed a change in their older son: suddenly he seemed to be talking far more to his friends than to his parents. “The door to his room is always shut”, Joanna noted.

    Tina and Mark noticed the same changes in their 14-year-old daughter. “She used to cuddle up (依偎) with me on the sofa and talk,” said Mark, “Now we joke that she does this only when she wants something. Sometimes she wants to be treated like a little girl and sometimes like a young lady. The problem is figuring out which time is which.”

    Before age 11, children like to tell their parents what's on their minds. “In fact, parents are first on the list,” said Michael Riera, writer of Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers. “This completely changes during the teen years.” Riera explained. “They talk to their friends first, then maybe their teachers, and their parents last.”

    Parents who know what's going on in their teenagers' lives are in the best position (位置) to help them. To break down the wall of silence, parents should produce chances to understand what their children want to say, and try to find ways to talk and write to them. And they must give their children a mental (精神上的) break, for children also need freedom, though young. Another thing parents should remember is that to be a friend, not a manager, with their children is a better way to know them.

    A young woman sits alone in café sipping tea and reading a book. She pauses briefly to write in a nearby notepad before showing her words to a passing café waiter: "Where are the toilets please?" This is a familiar scene in Tokyo's so-called "silent cafes", where customers are not allowed to speak, and only communicate by writing in notepads.

    The concept rises by a desire to be alone among young Japanese, a situation brought by economic uncertainly, a shift in traditional family support structures and the growing social isolation. The phenomenon is not limited to coffee shops but covers everything from silent discos, where participants dance alone wearing wireless headphones connected to the DJ, to products such as small desk tents designed for conversation-free privacy in the office. One Kyoto company even offers single women the opportunity to have a "one woman wedding" – a full bridal affair, complete with white dress and ceremony, and the only thing missing is the groom. The trend has its own media expression – "botchi-zoku", referring to individuals who consciously choose to do things completely on their own.

    One recent weekday afternoon, Chihiro Higashikokubaru, a 23-year-old nurse, travelled 90 minutes from her home, to Tokyo on her day off in order to enjoy some solo time. Speaking quietly at the entrance of the café, Miss Higashikokubaru said: "I heard about this place via Twitter and I like the idea of coming here. I work as a nurse and it's always very busy. There are very few quiet places in Tokyo, and it's a big busy city. I just want to come and sit somewhere quietly on my own. I'm going to drink a cup of tea and maybe do some drawings. I like the idea of a quiet, calm atmosphere."

    The desire to be isolated is not a new concept in Japan, home to an estimated 3.6 million "hikikomori" – a more extreme example of social recluses（隐士）who withdraw completely from society.

    Please take a few seconds and think of your personal biggest goal. Imagine telling someone you meet today what you're going to do. Imagine their congratulations and their high image of you. Doesn't it feel good to say it out loud? Don't you feel one step closer already? Well, bad news: you should have kept your mouth shut, because that good feeling will make you less likely to do it.

    Any time you have a goal, there is some work that needs to be done to achieve it. Ideally, you would not be satisfied until you'd actually done the work. But when you tell someone your goal and he acknowledges (认可) it, psychologists have found it's called a "social reality". The mind is kind of tricked into feeling that it's already done. And then, because you've felt that satisfaction, you're less motivated to do the actual hard work necessary. This goes against the traditional wisdom that we should tell our friends our goals, right?

    In 1982, Peter Gollwitzer, a Professor of Psychology, wrote a whole book about this. And in 2009, he did some new tests that were published. It goes like this: 163 people across four separate tests—everyone wrote down their personal goal. Then half of them announced their commitment (许诺) to this goal to the room, and half didn't. Then everyone was given 45 minutes of work that would directly lead them towards their goal, but they were told that they could stop at any time. Now those who kept their mouths shut worked the entire 45 minutes on average, and when asked afterwards, said they felt they had a long way to go to achieve their goal. But those who had announced it quit after only 33 minutes on average, and when asked afterwards, said that they felt much closer to achieving their goal.

It's generally believed that people act the way they do because of their personalities and attitudes .They recycle their garbage because the care about the environment .They pay $5 for a caramel brulée latte because they like expensive coffee drinks.

It's undeniable that behavior comes from our inner dispositions (性情), but in many instances we also draw inferences about who we are, as suggested by the social psychologist Daryl Bem , by observing our own behavior .We can be strangers to ourselves .If we knew our own minds, why would we need to guess what our preferences are from our behavior? If our minds were an open book, we would know exactly how much we care about the environment or like lattes .Actually, we often need to look to our behavior to figure out who we are.

Moreover, we don't just use our behavior to learn about our particular types of character—we infer characters that weren't there before .Our behavior is often shaped by little pressures around us, which we fail to recognize .Maybe we recycle because our wives and neighbors would disapprove if we didn't .Maybe we buy lattes in order to impress the people around us .We should not mistakenly believe that we always behave as a result of some inner disposition.

Whatever pressures there can be or inferences one can make, people become what they do, though it may not be in compliance (符合) with their true desires .Therefore, we should all bear in mind Kurt Vonnegut's advice: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

All I needed to do to earn the two dollars was to clean her house for a few hours after school. It was a beautiful house with things that were common in her neighborhood, absent in mine.

Working for her brought me a sense of pride, not only because I could immerse myself in little luxuries like movies and candy, but also because I contributed half of my earnings to my mother, ensuring they were used for necessities. I was not like the children in folktales: burdensome mouths to feed, problems so severe that they were abandoned to the forest. I had a status that doing routine chores in my house did not provide — and it earned me a slow smile and confirmations that I was adult-like, not childlike.

Little by little, I got better at cleaning her house — good enough to be given more to do. After struggling to move the piano, my limbs ached terribly. Despite wanting to decline or voice my discomfort, I feared losing my job and the independence and respect it afforded me. She began to offer me her clothes, for a price. Impressed by these worn things, which looked simply elegant to a little girl who had only two dresses to wear to school, I bought a few.

Still I had trouble summoning up (鼓起) the courage to object to the increasing demands she made. Despite feeling overwhelmed, I hesitated to voice my concerns, knowing my mother would urge me to quit. However, one day while alone in the kitchen with my father, I expressed my disappointment. In any case, he put down his cup of coffee and said, "Whatever the work is, do it well — not for the boss but for yourself. You make the job; it doesn't make you. You are not the work you do; you are the person you are."

I have worked for all sorts of people since then, geniuses and fools, quick-witted and dull, big-hearted and narrow. I've had many kinds of jobs, but since that conversation with my father, I have never considered the level of labor to be the measure of myself, and I have never placed the security of a job above my self-worth and family value.